Maybe, Sparrow: Standing in the Way of Control

Standing in the Way of Control

I feel vaguely out of control recently. Like things are slipping past me, and I just can't keep up. I'm 99% sure that it's not really a case of me dropping the ball, so much as it's a case of me being a neurotic weirdo.

The baby is clean. More or less. The house is clean. More or less. I am showered. The cats are fed. The bills are paid.

What is my issue?

I took a look at Fly Lady a few days back. Now, I'm not drowning in squalor by a long shot. Hell, I've got a baby and I still manage to cook every night and sew and work and find new music. But, still, I feel this need to contain it all. I want a checklist. I want a routine. I want, I dunno... to be a scary Martha Stewart Robotic Control Freak, or something

And, that just can't be healthy, right?

I'm a big believer in the notion that we can only control ourselves--I'm big on not nagging or manipulating, letting people be, not worrying that things are done my way as long as they just get done. But, apparently the control issue is sneaking up on me.

I need to just relax.

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Maybe Sparrow is the title of a Neko Case song. I like Neko Case.

I spend a lot of time at home. And, a lot of time with my baby. I'm married, and domesticated, and probably pretty boring. And, happy. When I was single, and wild, and exciting I spent a lot of time pretty miserable. I write and read and sew and cook. I curse at the cats, and I make jokes with my husband. I love movies and music. I drive a shiny sedan. I have a lot of family in the South that I rarely see. I've seen my name in print. I'm good at doing things that I have to do, even when I don't want to. And, days rolls by too quickly since I became a mother.

I live in the mountains, surrounded by orchards and vineyards. People out here seem to think they're country. I say that technically, they are rural, but they ain't country. Californian Republicans amuse me.

I really don't know what else to say. I feel like I'm finally a grown-up, and that's very strange. It's doubly strange in a society that really hates the whole notion of adulthood.

I want to write books, but I have no stories to tell. I want to make quilts, but I'm impatient. I want to learn other languages, but I can't afford to travel. I want to be a clearer, cleaner, better, more put together me, but I generally feel like I'm pretty seat of my pants. I just can't get the Ideal to match the Reality. I do my best.

My son is the sweetest thing on Earth. He smiles and makes monster noises. I like to kiss him and watch him sleep and buy overpriced things for him.

My favorite color is red. I prefer salty to sweet. I like the heat of the summer, and I can't keep a plant alive. I love red wine, and I occasionally miss smoking.